THE MASTER'S WISDOM

The wise man touched his follower's head with both his hands and said to him trying to read the other's worries about existence:

"We are what we eat..."

The follower dared to raise slighty his head and asked:

"Master, what must I eat to become wise like you?"

The wise man remained silent. He didn't expect such a question at all. But before he could react, the follower jumped upon him, bit his neck furiously to kill him as I tiger would and began to eat his master's body still warm. He was just following his master's advice.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

THE MOTHER-IN-LAW'S MYSTERY

The baby would cry all nights. He spent all nights just weeping, stopless, unceasingly. John and Mary, their parents, didn't understand what was wrong with the kid. Suddenly, one night Mary's mother came for a visit and slept with her grandson in the room. The baby slept all night without producing any single sound.

"My mother is an expert in babysitting", explained Mary the next morning. "She'll have to move in here... It's for our child's sake".

John felt desparate, but he didn't have the courage to say what he actually thought, to say a word against his mother-in-law, who apart from everything was the ugliest person he had ever met. Exactly, that was the key: all the night creatures that frightened the child at night were afraid of Mary's mother. Yes, that was a logical explanation... The room monsters were afraid of his mother-in-law, even more than himself.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING A MINISTER

The minister approached the car and stood in front of the policeman who was fining him for having parked in a prohibited area.

"Sir, you have parked your car in a prohibited area", reported the police officer who began to fill in the fine.

"Do you know who you are talking to?", the minister asked the policeman trying to sound absolutely arrogant and powerful.

The policemen gave up writing and spoke:

"I'm talking to your tie, sir". Then addressing the tie, the officer said: "Would you mind explaining the gentleman wearing you that cars may not be parked in unauthorized places? Maybe he will listen to you, because you seem to be the most intelligent part of this gentleman".

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

AT HIS OWN RISK

Whenever the child needed to escape from his mum to avoid being told off, he just hid in his own navel. It was the perfect hideout, except for the dust layer that got accumulated there. The child was forced to wear a mask while hidden.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

CONFIDENCES

"Stop kidding", said Ann while putting the glass of wine back on the table, "do you really mean you'd commit suicide if the person you say you love most in the world quit you?"

"Exactly", answered René gazing at her.

May I know who's that person you love so much?", asked Ann full of curiosity.

"You may: it is myself"

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

THE ULTIMATUM

"You'll have to choose between tobacco and me".

The man heard the woman's ultimatum with a cigarette among his fingers. He first looked at the sad figure standing in front of him and then to the sexy burning cylinder he was holding. The man would have sworn the cigarette was loosening its bra straps and was winking him an eye.

The man's reponse was to take a long puff and intend he was having an orgasm.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

POLITENESS

Kh. was convinced that the respect for religious principles and politeness to women were perfectly compatible. He looked through the window and saw the woman completely wrapped in a black sheet hanging the wet clothes on the rope. He thought his wife deserved a compliment. He just said to her:

"You look so pretty today".

Suddenly he felt a strike on his forehead. Then he fell dead, fulminated. He hadn't had time to realize that that wasn't his wife, but his neighbour's, who had heard the compliment and was not so liberal.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

ETHIC PRINCIPLES

What the conservative Prime Minister liked most were ethic principles. That is why he would smoke one every night before going to bed.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

ASHAMED

The drunkard asked the man who was in front of him actually his reflect on a mirror:

"Do we know each other?"

The man's reflect moved the head from left to right trying to deny the evidence and go unnoticed.

ETHICS

The conservative PM was firmly opposed to euthanasia for ethical reasons, except on one occasion when it affected his own conscience; he himself helped his conscience die quickly and painlessly.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

WHEN FATE IS WRONG

The man suddenly stopped, gazed at the woman by the bar and asked her:

"Excuse me, haven't we met before?"

She smiled kindly and said:

"No, we are supposed to meet in our next life", and she kept drinking her gin-tonic, while he took his way to the toilets regretting not to be already living his next life.

THE SECRET OF HIS NAME

He had never understood why everybody fell asleep whenever he introduced himself. He believed it was because of his weird voice pitch, but the truth was that his name contained an ancient spell that made people sleep... However, his godmother did know it. But she found it so funny...

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

THAT WAS NO PARADOX

As a writer, he was worldwide famous, but actually nobody had read him.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

THE MAN WHO THREW KISSES TO HIS IMAGE ON THE SHOP-WINDOWS

I found the man in the middle of main street. He was well-dressed, in a long wool coat. But what attracted my attention was not his clothes, but his behaviour. He was calmly walking along the street. However he stopped in front of each shop window he found along his walk. Then he threw kisses to his own reflection. I must recognise I was astonished to see such a sample of narcisism, or wasn't he just a freak?

However the man realised I had been watching him for a while, so he understood I was looking for a logical explanation for that weird behaviour, other than a mere sample of narcisism, as I've just said.

"Young woman", he suddenly addressed me, "you'll be wondering why I throw kisses to my own reflection on each shop window, won't you?"

I didn't answer, I was just puzzled.

"Well, I do it for the sake of my image", he explained. "I don't want my image to believe I don't like it, so I'm just trying to cheer it up... Believe me, it's good to make your own image happy, otherwise it might gossip at your back. By the way, I'm just noticing your shadow is unhappy..."

Frantz Ferentz, 2012

THE PERFECT TATTOO

"How do you like my tattoos reproducing several pages of The New York Times on my back and legs?", asked Elisabeth to her boyfriend. "I see you spend a lot of time watching them. It's a piece of art, isn't it?".

"It's amazing, extraordinary..."

"Are you praising them?", she asked flirtingly

"Well, not really. To be honest, what I like about your tattoos is that they update every day, so I've stopped buying newspapers every day. Your love makes me save money".

Frantz Ferentz, 2012

THE COOL TATTOO

Alejandra hid a surprise for all those envious friends of hers with whom shared the same territory on the beach every year. She came up the first day of the summer season wearing a fashionable bikini and a long tatoo that went along her back. It was the lyrics of a famous song in English, which obviously made her friends exclaim how amazing the tattoo was. She was sure she'd be the summer's queen. She heard twenty five times at least: "¡Cómo mola!" (=how cool!)

Until the moment when a British lecturer suffering from hangover in his way back to the hotel saw the tattoo on Alejandra's back and said in a macaronic Spanish in front of her friends:

"You, girl... Who on earth has written that piece of shit on your back? How can a tattooist make so many spelling mistakes in just four lines?"

Frantz Ferentz, 2012

WHEN CHILDREN HURT

Dear Dr. Muller. My son doesn't evolve as positively as the rest of his classmates. As an expert, what do you recommend me to do?. Yours, Mrs. Walker.

Dear Mrs Walker. If you still keep the guarantee, try to exchange the thing for a new one. Yours faithfully, Dr. Muller.

Dear Dr Muller. But I was talking about my son, not about a household appliance. Yours. Mrs Walker.

Dear Mrs Walker. Yes, I know. I'm talking seriously, madam, and I was referring to your son, too. Best regards. Dr Muller.

Frantz Ferentz, 2012

SOCIAL NETWORKS REFLECT

"Wish I could eliminate people so easily in the real world as on social networks", thought Marina while looking at John's profile for the last time, the man who had just broken up with her with just a SMS.

She clicked on the remove friendship button and then OK. John was no longer among her friends on the social network.

The next morning she learned John had been found dead in front of his computer. The police said a shoot came out of his computer screen.

Marina's reaction was to cancel her own profile before someone might remove her friendship and end up like John. She didn't expect she'd be found dead with her head inside the computer monitor the next morning. The police considered it a suicide.

Frantz Ferentz, 2012

WHEN THE MOON YAWNED

Suddenly the moon yawned. For millennia humankind had ignored the moon had a mouth, therefore they just spent the following months commenting the terrible caries the moon had.

Frantz Ferentz, 2012

THE MYSTERY OF SEX

For months, my flatmate Genaro had been insisting that the lady running the chinese food shop around the corner was a nymphomaniac. He had reached that conclusion because she was always insinuating herself to male customers. Genaro was sure her husband, a rare example of bald Chinese, didn't give her enough pleasure, so she insinuated herself to satisfy her needs. I myself had the impression the woman intended to have fiery sex, too, but I tended to think she just wanted to have sex for any other reason (I had never met a nymphomaniac).

That's why I was surprised when my flatmate began to come home wearing a loaf of fresh bread every day. We never ate bread, so I didn't understand why Genaro bought bread. After one week I finally asked him the reason of his strange behaviour. He confessed at once, as if he needed to open his mind and his heart to me:

"It's because of that damned Chinese woman... Yes, she's a sex machine. I feel with her what I had never felt with any other..."

"Is she really a nymphomaniac or something else?", I inquired.

"Actually, I don't know", he explained. "As far as I know, she has sex with different men in the backside while her husband is out. Once we finish and return to the shop, she always picks up a loaf of bread and says: «you now buy loa' o' bread»... So she gets to sell more loaves than anybody else in the neighbourhood, despite it's a quite low quality bread..."

For the time being Genaro keeps on coming back home with a loaf of bread under his arm. He's earned three kilos because he feels he's forced to eat that nasty chewing-gum-like bread; his conscience doesn't allow him to throw it to the trash.

Frantz Ferentz, 2012

THE EXECUTION

His last thought was that they could not kill him twice, notwithstanding he had two death penalties. So when he began to feel the movement of the poison through his veins that would stop his heart, he just thought "piss off, you motherfuckers!". He then fell unconscious while feeling an unbearable sharp pain in his heart...

He woke up later on the nursing stretcher of the prison. A man in white greeted him smiling, behind him there were three armed guards. Definitely, he wasn't in paradise.

"Welcome back to life, you bastard". He didn't understand a word, He remembered nothing. But the man in white, a doctor, explained: "You've been dead for a while, you know, but we've brought you back to life to execute you again... Don't forget you still owes us a death penalty..."

Frantz Ferentz, 2012

THE MANNEQUIN

The traffic police had been suspecting for a few weeks that a certain driver used a mannequin to occupy the second place of his car in order to be allowed to drive along the fast lane - a lane where only cars carrying at least two passengers were allowed to circulate. It was difficult to detect a car having a mannequin together with a human, but the eagle-like eye of officer García finally detected it.

"It is that yellow car coming into us", he announced to his colleague while putting his binoculars down. "Let's stop it... The fine will be historical".

The couple of agents stopped the car. Officer García examined quickly the co-driver. It was clear it was a mannequin, moveless, pale, covered with a hood and wearing sunglasses. Besides a blanket covered the lower part of his body. In the distance anyone could have believed it was a real human co-driver. 

Meanwhile, Garcia's colleague asked the driver to show him his driving license. But the driver didn't react, he remained looking ahead holding tightly the steering-wheel.

"Haven't you heard me?", insisted the other police officer, who was beginning to get nervous.

Then the co-pilot turned his head left into Garcia's colleague and said to him:

"Don't insist, officer. It's a mannequin. It can't speak..."

Frantz Ferentz, 2012

WHEN DYING IS A METAPHORE

The insolent journalist asked Madrid's Mayor about the city's ceaslessly alarming degree of pollution:

"Mrs. Mayor, how do you interpret that grey filthy fog wrapping Madrid up that some experts consider too toxic to be breathed?"

The Mayor showed her best smile and replied:

"How would I interpret it? As something really magnificient: Madrid is not wrapped up in pollution, but surrounded by a halo of mystery..."

Frantz Ferentz

MY MUM IS A MAGICIAN

"Mum, when I grow up, I want to be a magician, like you".

"How come? I'm no magician at all", answered the mother to her little child who really admired her.

"Yes, you are..."

"No, my sweetie".

"You are a magician, mummy", insisted the child. "Otherwise how could you feed five people in this house with only four hundred euros per month?"

Frantz Ferentz, 2012

WHERE THE ORDERS COME FROM

The whole country showed its astonishment. Nobody, including most of his voters, understood how the Spanish Prime Minister obeyed so blindly the orders coming from the highest European institutions - such orders were destroying the country in the name of austerity. Critical voices declared that the in fact the Government had no plan to fight against the crisis, to which the PM replied angrily that everything was perfectly planned. And so, that Saturday night, the PM took his private phone and dialed a long number. He had made sure nobody could hear him. A voice on the other side answered:

"Here Alex King, your fortune-teller, what can I do for you?"

"Hello, Master... Here's Aries-Power again...", greeted the Prime Minister scratching his beard.

Frantz Ferentz, 2012