THE IMPORTANCE OF FOREWORDS

Second-class but sexy writer, Mrs B. White, got some copies of her last book. She immediately wrote an email to her publisher to let him know she had received the copies at home. The publisher asked her if she had liked the book. The writer said she hadn't, because the foreword supposedly written by a big shot was missing, so the book was worthless. Then they both talked on the phone.

"Where's my foreword? Nobody will appreciate my book without that foreword!", she claimed.

"But what really matters to you? The foreword or your own text?", argued the publisher, who had understood Mrs White was scarcely self-confident, actually her judgements about her own books depended on what prologues said about her, as if  what she wrote lacked interest in itself. 

After the conversation the publisher checked the book and realized he had made the greatest mistake of his whole career: though the covers of the book were right, the text inside wasn't Mr White's, but someone else's, so the prologue was obviously missing. 

But as expected, Mrs White never noticed that.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG

In the middle of the briefing, the serious man sitting by me wearing a necktie and totally self-confident turned his head and stared at me serioulsy. He intended to express his disagreement with my previous words, so he said very politely:

"Excuse me, sir. Correct me if I'm wrong..."

As soon as he pronounced the last sentence, I didn't let him finish. I just fulfilled his wish. So I caught his assymmetrical head among my hands and twisted and shook it till a crack sounded somewhere in his neck. Then I told him:

"Now you're corrected sir. Now your head is straight".

He didn't reply. Maybe he had changed his mind about what I had previously said. Who knows. Anyway I always like to please people's wishes. It makes me feel good.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

THE GALICIANCOHOLIC

YOU: My name is M., and I speak Galician.

ALL: Welcome, M.

LEADER: Welcome, M., to Anonymous Galiciancoholic-speakers. Here you can say freely you know Galician. Don't feel ashamed.

YOU: Thank you. It's so embarrassing... People look at me whenever I say one or two sentences in Galician. Shall I ever be cured?

LEADER: Actually not, you'll always have a Galician accent, but you can pretend you come from another dimension. Here you will learn how. And remember, Galician is completely banned here; otherwise, if you just yield one single word in Galician, you'll never overcome Galiciancoholism. 

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

SIMON... SORRY, THE PSYCHOLOGIST SAYS

The woman was about to end her therapy sessions by the psychologist. Actually she didn't feel much better then than when she began to visit the specialist a few weeks ago. As a farewell, the psychologist told her by the door:

"And remember, the only way to be happy and accepted by others is to be yourself..."

«Stupid man», she thought. «I've spent half my economies on his fucking sessions for him just to tell me that. He hasn't still realized I have double personality, so that I cannot be myself, but ourselves...» 

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

IT IS THE DRAGON'S FAULT

"And what do you do for a living?", asked the woman.

"I'm a dragon-hunter", he answered seriously.

"Come on, don't make fun of me", she said smiling.

"Have you ever seen a dragon flying around?"

"No", she said gazing at him eagerly. "How could I? There are no dragons to be seen, man".

"Exactly. That's because I'm a professional",

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

THE REAL MOTIVES OF A STONE

He could not understand why he always tripped over the same stone once and again, until somebody explained him the meaning of the word masochist. From that moment on he kept on tripping over the same stone but he felt sorry for the stone: he was sure it was the stone's fault, it was masochist. 

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

I WAS NOT THAT PERSON

My worst experience in life was to find out I didn't know myself at all. Yes, as a matter a fact I didn't know myself because I was not the person I had always believed I was. But things went even worse when the person I actually was refused to meet me.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

HOW TO CUT PEOPLE'S HEADS OFF UNDER ALL CIRCUMSTANCES

Many years after Alice's departure from Wonderland, the Queen kept on ordering her soldiers to cut people's heads off whenever she got angry. The soldiers were absolutely afraid of the Queen, so they were capable to decapitate octopuses and mussels if necessary. The problem arose when computers arrived in Wonderland and the Queen got keen on chatting on the computer late at night. Whenever she got angry with an emoticon, she asked her soldiers to chop the emoticons' heads off. However, the Queen's soldiers didn't know how to proceed, because emoticons had just heads. So they decided to add straw bodies to the emoticons to fulfill the Queen's absurd desires and keep their own heads on their shoulders... Fortunately, no emoticons ever suffered any harm, but scarecrows did.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

SOMETIMES I HEAR VOICES...

"Mum, sometimes I hear voices within myself... D'you think these are spirits or ghosts?"

"Johnnie, the kid has swallowed your transistor again, the one that looks like a biscuit. Bring me the purgative, will you?"

Frantz Ferentz, 2013 

WHY DRAGONS BECAME EXTINCT

"Mum", asked seven-year-old Charlie to his mother, "do you know why dragons don't exist nowadays?"

Charlie's mother was covering her lips with a brilliant rouge. She was impatient to land. She was looking forward to leaving little Charlie with his grandparents during the whole summer, so that she could have three months of full freedom. She'd have time for business, for pleasure and for... anything she came up with. She was a modern woman who just wanted to enjoy life.

"No idea, darling, why?", asked the boy's mum automatically.

"Because in ancient times there were no planes, so they could fly freely, but now there are planes crossing the skies. That's why they've disappeared, because they were always crashing against planes. If I were a knight, I wouldn't kill dragons, but I'd ride them across the skies...

The mum smiled at his son's naivety. For the first time in Charlies' life, she had listened to one of his wisecracks. She still moved her lips carefully to distribute the rouge uniformly, but suddenly she remembered when, as a child, she herself dreamed about being a princess. She had completely forgotten her childhood's dreams, when she could not even mention them to anybody. Her awareness had totally concealed her sad memories. Where had her fancy gone? Then she stared seriously at her son and said to him:

"Let me buy a princess dress at the airport and then let's find a dragon. There must be one somewhere hidden. Then you will tame it and we will ride back home on it, how do you like it?"

Charlie looked at her without believing his eyes:

"Are you mad? Please, think about my reputation. Do you think I'd go anywhere with my mum sitting behind me dressed up as princess on the back of a dragon? On the other hand, it's easier to buy a ticket to fly back home than to hunt a dragon and tame it. So, mature, mum, mature." 

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

THE MASTER'S WORD AND BEYOND

The master, with his long, white beard and his frameless spectacles, gave the manuscript back to his apprentice writer. A smile turned up in his face while saying:

"You've improved your writing amazingly, congratulations".

"Did I make you drool with the poem, master?", the apprentice dared to ask to the master.

"Well, actually this poem of you was outstanding", recognised the master. "I was fascinated, but don't express it in such a vulgar way, will you? Never say again I've drooled with a poem of yours."

The apprentice didn't say anything else. She just picked the manuscript up and turned round holding the poem with her left hand, some centimetres away from her body, because the manuscript was actually full of the master's drool, and it was not metaphoric at all, but perfectly fresh... and so vulgar.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

THE MASTER'S WISDOM

The wise man touched his follower's head with both his hands and said to him trying to read the other's worries about existence:

"We are what we eat..."

The follower dared to raise slighty his head and asked:

"Master, what must I eat to become wise like you?"

The wise man remained silent. He didn't expect such a question at all. But before he could react, the follower jumped upon him, bit his neck furiously to kill him as I tiger would and began to eat his master's body still warm. He was just following his master's advice.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

THE MOTHER-IN-LAW'S MYSTERY

The baby would cry all nights. He spent all nights just weeping, stopless, unceasingly. John and Mary, their parents, didn't understand what was wrong with the kid. Suddenly, one night Mary's mother came for a visit and slept with her grandson in the room. The baby slept all night without producing any single sound.

"My mother is an expert in babysitting", explained Mary the next morning. "She'll have to move in here... It's for our child's sake".

John felt desparate, but he didn't have the courage to say what he actually thought, to say a word against his mother-in-law, who apart from everything was the ugliest person he had ever met. Exactly, that was the key: all the night creatures that frightened the child at night were afraid of Mary's mother. Yes, that was a logical explanation... The room monsters were afraid of his mother-in-law, even more than himself.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING A MINISTER

The minister approached the car and stood in front of the policeman who was fining him for having parked in a prohibited area.

"Sir, you have parked your car in a prohibited area", reported the police officer who began to fill in the fine.

"Do you know who you are talking to?", the minister asked the policeman trying to sound absolutely arrogant and powerful.

The policemen gave up writing and spoke:

"I'm talking to your tie, sir". Then addressing the tie, the officer said: "Would you mind explaining the gentleman wearing you that cars may not be parked in unauthorized places? Maybe he will listen to you, because you seem to be the most intelligent part of this gentleman".

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

AT HIS OWN RISK

Whenever the child needed to escape from his mum to avoid being told off, he just hid in his own navel. It was the perfect hideout, except for the dust layer that got accumulated there. The child was forced to wear a mask while hidden.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

CONFIDENCES

"Stop kidding", said Ann while putting the glass of wine back on the table, "do you really mean you'd commit suicide if the person you say you love most in the world quit you?"

"Exactly", answered René gazing at her.

May I know who's that person you love so much?", asked Ann full of curiosity.

"You may: it is myself"

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

THE ULTIMATUM

"You'll have to choose between tobacco and me".

The man heard the woman's ultimatum with a cigarette among his fingers. He first looked at the sad figure standing in front of him and then to the sexy burning cylinder he was holding. The man would have sworn the cigarette was loosening its bra straps and was winking him an eye.

The man's reponse was to take a long puff and intend he was having an orgasm.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

POLITENESS

Kh. was convinced that the respect for religious principles and politeness to women were perfectly compatible. He looked through the window and saw the woman completely wrapped in a black sheet hanging the wet clothes on the rope. He thought his wife deserved a compliment. He just said to her:

"You look so pretty today".

Suddenly he felt a strike on his forehead. Then he fell dead, fulminated. He hadn't had time to realize that that wasn't his wife, but his neighbour's, who had heard the compliment and was not so liberal.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

ETHIC PRINCIPLES

What the conservative Prime Minister liked most were ethic principles. That is why he would smoke one every night before going to bed.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

ASHAMED

The drunkard asked the man who was in front of him actually his reflect on a mirror:

"Do we know each other?"

The man's reflect moved the head from left to right trying to deny the evidence and go unnoticed.

ETHICS

The conservative PM was firmly opposed to euthanasia for ethical reasons, except on one occasion when it affected his own conscience; he himself helped his conscience die quickly and painlessly.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

WHEN FATE IS WRONG

The man suddenly stopped, gazed at the woman by the bar and asked her:

"Excuse me, haven't we met before?"

She smiled kindly and said:

"No, we are supposed to meet in our next life", and she kept drinking her gin-tonic, while he took his way to the toilets regretting not to be already living his next life.

THE SECRET OF HIS NAME

He had never understood why everybody fell asleep whenever he introduced himself. He believed it was because of his weird voice pitch, but the truth was that his name contained an ancient spell that made people sleep... However, his godmother did know it. But she found it so funny...

Frantz Ferentz, 2013

THAT WAS NO PARADOX

As a writer, he was worldwide famous, but actually nobody had read him.

Frantz Ferentz, 2013